Calm parents have "good" children?

Calm parents have "good" children?

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The thesis contained in the title of this article does not come from the category of "enlightened". He does not try to pretend one that explains everything and at the same time strongly distorts reality. Of course, you can give an equal sign between two statements - calm parent = calm child and probably everyone will agree with this. However, when we look deeper, it turns out that this equation is much more complicated and has additional variables.

There are plenty of cases where hyperactivity, aggression, anxiety in a child have a different ground than that closely related to the parents' attitude. However, this does not change the fact that our children are a ruthless, sincerely painful mirror in which we reflect ourselves, without retouching, exactly as we are.

Exactly that in the child's attitude, our flaws, imperfections, lack of character and problems we have in a relationship show up well. For this reason, it is impossible to "fix" the family without focusing on every link in it. The child as the "most sensitive" individual quickly catches threats and alerts with his behavior that something is wrong. And in this way, paradoxically, he does a great favor to everyone!

List the defects of your child ... and work on them ... at home

Psychologists are straightforward - list your child's flaws, write them on a piece of paper, and then ... work to eliminate them ... at home.

Can't it work like this, make it so simple and difficult at the same time?

Daniele Gargano, a child psychologist, notes that problems with the child are just the tip of the iceberg. The basis is the relationship with parents. Therefore, trying to understand the child's behavior should not end with working with him / herself, a good psychologist must be like a detective who assesses how the family functions as a whole. After looking at the child - his attitude, way of walking, gesturing, you can find out who he draws from the example and who subconsciously reinforces his bad behavior. Work with children, according to contemporary psychologists, is primarily about working with parents. This is where you need to start.

The child is a parents mirror

We are not aware of the great impact our attitudes, behavior, deficiencies and defects have on our children. This is a frightening vision for many, so it is not surprising to need to deny it or run away from it, and even to be offended by people who claim that in order to change a child's behavior, you must first work on yourself ... Realizing how much depends on us can be overwhelming. There are voices immediately that it is also immoral, because introduces the guilt of tired and stressed parents.

It is not about approaching the subject as an accusation, but treating it as a challenge. Work on yourself should be inscribed in the essence of parenthood.

The child does not listen, but sees

The child is the sum of our behaviors and our emotions. He's looking at us. He often does not listen, but sees and believes what he has in front of his eyes. Like a barometer, it feels our fear and uncertainty, notices every nuance that we would like to hide carefully. That is why he is afraid when we feel anxiety, does not want to cooperate, when he notices tension in our gestures, cries when he feels threatened, and does so just when we also lack strength, which further intensifies the stress in difficult situations. The result is that it looks like a self-winding spiral of problems.

It can be interrupted only in one peace. Starting from myself - calming down.

You know the situations when a child:

  • I do not want to fall asleep when I feel that something is happening, for example, parents want to "imperceptibly" leave the house and leave the baby in the care of another person,
  • he is ill when we want him to be healthy, we worry so much about the event, we prepare for it, we do everything to make it perfect that the disease appears in the least expected moment (after all, it is known for a long time that stress weakens the functioning of the system immune)
  • is strongly experiencing the birth of siblings, especially when we feel deep stress and anxiety related to the new situation. We feel guilty, we are frustrated that not everything is going as it should.
  • and many others that can be mentioned here ....

Stressed parents have nervous children

Aggression breeds aggression. Stress spreads, emotions accumulate. This is why an upset parent will not be able to silence a crying baby, which is also why the scream we "reach for" when we are powerless does not work because it causes one reaction - even louder protest. The more negative messages, the more difficult it is to reach an agreement.

Before we start "working" on the child's attitude, fixing "bad behavior", teaching "culture", it is worth looking inside yourself, look at what is happening in our life, what I experience today, whether I am calm / muted, or maybe they are swirling in me emotions that are seething and cause unpleasant situations at every turn? When we're nervous, it's hard to think rationally, make the right decisions. When we are tense, nervous, we tend to hurry, we lack empathy and the ability to assess the situation well. Unfortunately, the child sees it. Even when we try hard to hide problems, the atmosphere changes.

That is why it is so important to protect your own children through systematic work on yourself. When a toddler starts to "behave badly", maybe the problem is not what is happening in it, but what is being measured at home, kindergarten, school? The wise attitude of the parent is able to effectively help the child understand the situation and solve the problem. However, this is not a golden advice that solves everything, but a direction from which to start.